come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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