Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
