I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
