I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
