So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
