I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
