also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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