Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
