i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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