im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
