He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
two words: eviction party
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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