Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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