Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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