He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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