Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
