I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
