She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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