I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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