I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
