please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
