Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
