I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
