So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
