His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
