Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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