i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
