i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
