farters have to be the big spoon...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
