The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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