I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
