I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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