Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
