Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
