the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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