you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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