RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
