Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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