Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
