if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
