hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
