I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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