There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
