Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
