you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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