i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
