i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
