R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
