I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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