I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
