I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
